


See what you have to find it’s not what you need

by teeslover



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: 5 Things, Established Relationship, Fluff, Gen, Lance and Hunk are the true MVPs, M/M, alien alternatives, bunch of made up aliens and planets, but everyone helps, crack but not too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-24 16:05:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13814655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teeslover/pseuds/teeslover
Summary: Five times the paladins found themselves needing something that could only be found on Earth... while being nowhere remotely close to Earth.





	See what you have to find it’s not what you need

**Author's Note:**

> This started off pretty basic where they just needed stuff like phone chargers, but then it slowly devolved into this mess :D Anyway, enjoy!

**1\. Pidge**

 

Pidge rolled around in her bed, burying her face into her pillow to groan into it. It was early. Early enough that she didn’t yet hear Keith setting up in the training room or Allura and Coran calibrating the castle controls. If she got up now, there would be no one around to talk to or do anything with. She could explore the castle a little more, or continue with her Altean lessons, but neither of those options seemed too appealing at the moment. 

 

Pidge’s hand went to her stomach as she groaned again. There was some kind of war raging on in her insides and she couldn't bring herself to get up and check it out. She curled up with the pillow.  _ Maybe it was the stuff Hunk made us last night… Oh, wait, it was hurting before that… and everyone else seemed fine. _

 

“Ok, Pidge, suck it up! You can do this!” She yelled into her pillow one more time before throwing it down to stumble to the bathroom. 

 

Sitting on the toilet, the culprit revealed itself. “Ugh, quiznak.” She groaned again, annoyed and uncomfortable and unsure of what her next step would be. She had to make it back to her room to change, but she wasn't about to skitter back with her pants around her ankles. She eyed the toilet paper and sighed heavily. 

 

After that ordeal, Pidge sat on her bed and thought deeply. She definitely needed some help, but she didn't really want everyone on the team to know. She wasn't embarrassed about it, but it just wasn't something one announces to one’s two new male friends or new alien friends. 

 

“I'm just saying, Keith, it's weird that you don't watch any cartoons.” Pidge’s head snapped up at hearing Lance’s voice on the other side of the door.

 

“Seriously? I thought we were done talking about this last night.” Keith grumbled, stopping in front of Pidge’s door. “I was a little busy at the Garrison, you know, training, flying, doing what I was supposed to be doing.” 

 

“Yeah, ok, Keith, but even you took breaks. Who doesn't like binge watching Cartoon Network shows every once in a while? You know, some of those have sent me into an existential spiral. Not a full on crisis, but I was getting there.”  _ Oh, and Hunk. That'll work,  _ Pidge thought as she got up to open her door.

 

“All right, fine, show me the ones that'll send me spiraling and maybe I'll-” The door slid open and three bodies turned to face the newest addition to the conversation.

 

“Oh, hey, Pidge. Did we wake you up?” Hunk asked, looking apologetic.

 

“No, I was already awake. Could I steal you guys for a second?” Pidge reached out and grabbed the yellow and red paladins, pulling them into her room. “Sorry, Keith, it's kind of an inside thing… Between us. Be out in a sec!” The door slid shut as Keith made an ignored sound of protest.

 

“Ok, why are you being weird?” Lance crossed his arms, eyeing Pidge suspiciously, before breaking out into a grin. “Did you catch Keith doing something embarrassing and you wanna blackmail him?” 

 

Hunk cocked his head, shooting Lance a disapproving look. “You're already dating, there aren't any embarrassing things anymore. They're just... cute things now.”

 

“No way, Hunk! There's LOTS of things I can't have Keith ever finding out abo-” 

 

“Guys, I really need your help!” Pidge hissed, making a mental note to return to that conversation later.

 

“Oh, yeah, sorry. What's up?” Lance plopped down on her bed, legs crossed, patting the spot next to him for Pidge to plant herself on. 

 

Pidge sat next to him, supporting her chin in her palms. “Aunt Flo has paid me a visit.” 

 

“I don't… I don't know what that means… we’re kinda on the other side of the universe?” Lance glanced at Hunk, who had a finger to his lips and looked to be in deep thought. “Are you sure you're ok?”

 

“I'm fine! I'm just trying to say,” Pidge pushed her glasses further up her nose, “my red lion is leaving the hangar. ”

 

Hunk thrummed his fingers on his arm. “Can you give us one more?” 

 

“For the love of Altea, you guys! It's, you know, that time of the month!” Pidge threw her hands up and rolled her eyes as realization dawned on her two best friends. 

 

“Ohhh, ok, my cousins say that a lot. Wait, what?! What are we gonna do?” Lance jumped up to shake Hunk by the shoulders. 

 

“What did you do for the last month we’ve been here?” Hunk asked, also adopting a panicked tone as he held Lance still. “What's there right now?

 

“Toilet paper… it's not a good feeling.” Pidge squirmed in her spot. “And it was already over when we met Shiro and Keith, so it hasn't been a problem until right now. And before you suggest it, I don't want to ask Allura or Coran about it, ‘cause then we'd have to explain it, they'd probably get even more confused, and I  _ need _ help right now!” 

 

“Understandable.” Hunk agreed, looking to Lance for any other ideas. “The med pod?”

 

“I doubt that’ll fix ordinary human female bodily functions.” Pidge griped, falling onto her back. “Wait,” she cried, springing back up, “how about that space mall? That Earth goods store might have something. Or anything from any store there! It just needs to be… absorbent. And thin, if you can manage that.”

 

“Well, what do we tell Allura and Coran? We're badly in need of Earth toiletries?” Hunk asked, following Pidge and Lance out to the main room. “Actually, yeah, they'll believe that.” 

 

“Who will believe what?” Allura questioned, coming up to them, mice on her shoulders. The trio stopped, locking eyes with the rest of the team, who were all conveniently sitting on the couches together. 

 

Lance looked at Pidge and Hunk, who looked everywhere else but back his way. “Umm… my… parents...are going to?” Lance haltingly sputtered out, hitting Pidge in the arm who had facepalmed from embarrassment. “Anyway, doesn't matter, it's not important. We were just wondering if we could go back to that one space mall Coran took us to?” 

 

“The swap moon you got chased out of by security?” Shiro asked, joining Allura in questioning the three younger paladins. “And where there's an angry chef trying to hunt you down and basically enslave you?”

 

“That's the one!” Hunk clapped his hands in front of him in a pleading manner. “Lance and I can go alone, in disguise, and no one will ever think anything’s up!” 

 

“Yeah, please, please, can we go? Do you guys have requests? We'll bring anything back!” Lance hooked his arms around Hunk, hanging off his shoulders, giving his best puppy dog look. 

 

“I don't know…” Shiro looked at Allura, who seemed to be considering it. “I mean, if it's not too much trouble…”

 

“Well, I do actually need a new hairbrush.” Allura ran her fingers through her long hair, tangling it more than it already was. “Just the bristles, actually. They're made of Rambutian silk. Extremely strong substance, but they need to be replaced after 3,000 uses. All right, we'll drop you off near the moon, and you can take the red lion down. But don't bring back another kaltenecker! It's enough feeding one.” 

 

“You got it, princess!” Lance gave her a thumbs up, making his way to Keith, who hadn't left his spot on the couch. “You need anything?” 

 

“Can't think of anything right now… but what do you need that's not supplied in the castle?” Keith craned his head back toward Lance, a suspicious look on his face. 

 

“I just need...some toothpaste. It's very specific and Hunk needs… a special knife.” Lance answered, not very convincingly.

 

“Wow. I believe that 100%,” Keith deadpanned.

 

“I'll fill you in later.” Lance leaned in to give Keith a quick peck on the lips and hurried back to Hunk and Pidge, who were making their way to the lions’ hangar. 

 

“We really should've thought of some excuses before going out there.” Pidge snickered, opening up the hangar door. 

 

“I didn't hear you offering up any help!” Hunk cried, standing with Lance in front of Red’s open mouth. 

 

“Lance was doing great… Ok, sorry, next time, we’ll come up with a whole game plan, promise!”

 

“Well, hopefully, we'll be back home before there's a next time.” Lance walked up the ramp, sticking his head out before sitting down. “Did anyone need anything else? And are you not coming?”

 

“I gotta keep watch on the… situation.” Pidge adjusted herself as best she could, resisting the urge to fix the wedgie she was just afflicted with. “Get Allura’s hairbrush silk and I heard Coran yell something about needing Lucidium crystal oil?” 

 

“We'll do our best!” Lance called out, shooting out of the castle.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

At the checkout counter of some store, the name of which had been juggled around by the paladins as being either  _ Divine Beauty  _ or  _ Dreadful Buy  _ (certain symbols looked very similar to other symbols), Hunk checked that all the requested items were present. Whatever the name of the store, it seemed to resemble a drugstore of sorts, boasting many alien beauty products. 

 

Beside him, Lance had a small bag of items they had purchased before finding the boutique. True to their word, in the bag was Lucidium cream, a new serrated knife, measuring spoons, and what they were fairly certain was some kind of tooth wax. 

 

Lance looked at the items collected in Hunk’s arms. “All right, so 2 bags of Rambutian silk and 3 packages full of… those.”

 

“Those” referred to the small plastic pouches Hunk was sure was the closest thing to sanitorial feminine products that this side of the universe had. He was pretty certain the label read “absorptive and adhesive” with an indecipherable third word tacked on the bottom. Lance decided that two out of three was probably the best they were going to get. 

 

“Are these things gonna work?” Lance wondered aloud, taking a package and turning it over in his hands. “I mean, the shape’s… close, right? It absorbs. It sticks. That’s what pads do.” 

 

“I'm just hoping they’re not alien diapers. Pidge would not be happy.” Hunk cringed at the thought of his friend hiding away in her room, grumbling uncomfortably. 

 

When they arrived back at the castle, Pidge stood at the entrance, looking oddly excited. Hunk and Lance strolled out of the lion, several bags in their hands. 

 

“Hey, Pidge, this was the closest thing we could find.” Lance dropped one bag into Pidge’s hands, pulling a package out. “We got you what I hope’ll last more than a couple months, but we could go again… you know, in another 3,000 uses.” 

 

“Thanks a lot, guys! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be in the bathroom. Everyone’s waiting for their things in the dining room!” Pidge yelled back, already halfway to her room.

 

“Ahh, thank you, paladins!” Allura smiled, pulling some thick strands out of the packaging to inspect. “My hairbrush was about to fall apart.” 

 

Coran looked over the tube of Lucidium with wide eyes. “I didn’t even know there was a cream version! This’ll be much easier to use than that slippery oil.”

 

“See, it’s just like I said.” Lance grinned innocently, taking out the tooth wax and the cooking utensils, fanning them out in front of Keith. 

 

Keith smirked, muttered an  _ uh-huh,  _ and stole the tooth wax to use in his room.

 

A minute later, Lance and Hunk went into Pidge’s room and were currently hanging upside down on the edge of her bed, waiting for her to finish up. “Sooooo?”

 

They heard a groan and a long, heavy sigh in response, and then, “It’ll work.”

 

 

* * *

**2\. Shiro**

 

 

 

Shiro walked into his bathroom, scratching his head with one hand and covering a yawn with the other. He had had a long night, going over prospective battle formations and planet destinations with Allura and Coran, so being able to sleep in that morning was greatly appreciated. 

 

Grabbing his toothbrush, he reached for the tooth wax that he had snuck out of Keith’s bathroom, who hadn't even tried to get it back. But after the wax had spent a day and night at Pidge’s sink, it wouldn't be hard to believe that Keith was now actively trying to keep Lance from ever trying out his purchase.

 

As Shiro squeezed a dollop onto the bristles, he noticed a few, small, white flakes drifting down onto his countertop. Assuming it was just dried up substance from the lid of the tooth wax tube, he thought little of it. It wasn't until he returned to his bedroom to change out of his pajamas that he noticed something off. 

 

He had a particularly itchy feeling at his scalp, periodically going to rub away at it while he continued with his morning routine. He didn't pay it much attention, chalking it up to just needing a good brushing. Finally, as he returned to his bathroom to give himself one last glance over, he found his problem would not be solved with a haphazard comb through. 

 

“Oh, quiznak.” He parted his hair with his fingers to get a closer look at his scalp. It was just as he feared.  _ Dandruff.  _ “Great. Just what I needed.” It wasn't that noticeable, but through previous experience, Shiro knew he couldn't just ignore it. It would eventually get so bad that even a light ruffle would send a snowstorm of flakes down. 

 

Resisting the urge to give his head a good scratch, he exited his bathroom, subconsciously bringing a hand up to hide his hair. Rounding the corner, he bumped right into the last person he wanted to see that morning. 

 

“Allura! Hi,” Shiro cried, backing away from her slightly and keeping a hand on the top of his head. 

 

“Oh, hello, Shiro! Did you sleep well?” She smiled brightly at him, stepping closer. “I’m sorry about keeping you up last night, but I just want to make sure I learn as much as I can. I don’t want to ever be a burden to Voltron.”

 

“Allura, believe me, you’re catching on faster than you think. Faster than any of us, even. Honestly, you’re just a great trainee.” There was a momentary silence between them, and in the seconds that followed, Allura looked as if she wanted to say something else, but before she could, Shiro took a step to the side. “Well, have a good morning! I’m gonna go see if Hunk’s cooked anything up.”

 

“Yes, of course! You must be hungry! Umm, last I saw, Lance, Pidge, and Hunk were in the kitchen… Perhaps they’ve managed to throw a breakfast together.”

 

“Thanks.” Shiro gave her a little wave and started down the hallway. “Uhh, see you… later.” Once he left, he shook off some flakes that had gotten stuck to him and facepalmed with both hands.

 

As he made his way to the kitchen, Lance’s voice drifted in from the doorway, ranting about something. “I’m telling you, Hunk, Keith is definitely trying to start this weird prank war with me! First, there’s the tooth stuff we bought that just  _ *poof* _ disappears once a day. I don’t think he knows I know he’s passing it around like some kind of keep away game? Then last night I found my jacket and my lion slippers in his closet and I think he doesn’t quite get that he should hide them someplace where I won’t look in all the time??”

 

“I’m pretty sure he’s just trying to be romantic. Couples pranks? What’s not cute about that?”

 

“I’m not saying it’s not cute…. It’s actually kind of adorable, but… I really need to help him up his game. Oh, hey, Shiro!” Lance got up from the table where he and Hunk were sitting to usher the black paladin in. 

 

“You’re just in time to try these new cookies I made, Shiro.” Hunk walked over to the counter and grabbed a tray full of bright orange circles. “I’m still not 100% on what I put in them… or why they’re so neon, but they’re actually edible!”

 

Shiro looked down at the cookies and hesitantly reached for one.  _ At least they aren’t so glassy looking this time. _ “Uhh, you know what, Hunk, maybe later. I’m not all that hungry right now. Thanks, though!”

 

“Ok, well, they’ll be here, if Coran doesn’t eat them all, that is. I’m pretty sure he just likes that they’re the same color as his mustache.” 

 

While Lance and Hunk moved the cookies onto a smaller plate to clean up their baking mess, Shiro took a look around the room, noticing it was fairly empty for an uneventful day. “Where’s Pidge? Allura said she was here with you guys. And don’t tell me Keith is still beating up training robots this late in the morning.”

 

“I think Pidge is in the control room with Coran. Keith’s in there too, he was just finishing up a call with Kolivan.” Hunk answered, drying off the baking tray and slipping it back into a cupboard. “Lance and I were gonna go over there now to see if they've found anything cool. Wanna come?”

 

“Yeah, I don’t have anything else going on.” Shiro was about to lead the way when he made the mistake of itching at a spot on his head. “Uggh.” He turned away from the other two, trying to get the flakes off his fingers.

 

Lance exchanged glances with Hunk as they made their way around the kitchen table to Shiro. “You okay?” 

 

“Yeah,” Shiro sighed, wiping the residue off on his clothes. “An old problem of mine just started acting back up today… and I don’t have anything that can help with it. I can't believe I didn't notice until after we’ve left that space mall’s galaxy!” He ruffled up his hair and winced as some white flakes drifted down. 

 

“Oh, you have dandruff?” Hunk gave him a sympathetic nod, patting him on the shoulder. “Yeah, my uncle had it really bad, no amount of Selsun Blue helped. It was honestly kinda gross... I love the guy, but I tried to avoid him during birthday and family dinners.”

 

Lance stared at his best friend blankly. “Geez, Hunk, thanks, that's exactly what he needed to hear right now.” 

 

The yellow paladin sucked air in through his teeth and hung his head apologetically. “Sorry.”

 

“It's fine, I'll just… have to deal with it for now.” Shiro sighed, dejected. “By the way, umm, could you keep this between us? I didn’t really want anyone to know about,” he motioned to the white flakes on his shirt, “this. I kinda caught you guys at a bad time, and I am  _ so _ sorry about that.”

 

“Oh, no worries, what happens in the kitchen stays in the kitchen. But why don’t you want everyone else to find out? Maybe Allura knows how… Hmm, well, they are aliens, they probably don't have that here.” Lance pursed his lips, remembering Pidge's hesitance to tell anyone about her problem. 

 

“I don't know… I highly doubt ‘the slipperies’ are the only gross body condition Alteans go through…” Hunk refuted, shuddering at the memory of slimy Coran. 

 

“It's not that,” Shiro rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. “I think I could explain it to them, it's a common issue people have, it's just… it's embarrassing.”

 

“Ohhhh…” Hunk and Lance came to the same realization, smirking knowingly at their leader. “We got you, Shiro, no worries.”

 

“Thanks, and don't worry, I'll try to keep it under control, so they're not, like, everywhere you look,” Shiro promised. Turning around to finally lead the way to the control room, he didn't notice the wide-eyed disgusted looks the other two paladins shared. 

 

Walking there, Lance and Hunk hung back a few feet, whispering amongst themselves out of Shiro’s earshot. “Lance, I wasn't kidding when I said I avoided my uncle. I can't deal with dandruff! I know that makes me sound bad because it's a problem some people just naturally have and can never get rid of, plus, it's Shiro, but,” Hunk trembled quietly, “it's like crusty paint chips are falling on me, but they're from his scalp! Lance, I can feel it, I feel it!” 

 

“Ok, buddy, ok!” Lance put his hands on his shoulders to calm him down. “We’re just gonna have to help him figure something out before it gets any worse.” They paused, focusing on the back of Shiro’s head. “At least his hair’s short and it doesn't  _ look  _ too oily,” Lance continued. “Plus his hair is already white on top there, so maybe no one will notice for a while?”

 

They looked at each other and shrugged, slowly catching up to Shiro. 

 

“Wait a tick!” Lance cried out, stopping their progress in the hallway. “There might be a way to help you, Shiro! Pidge was talking about how she and Coran were looking up planets around this solar system to see if there was anything cool to check out. Maybe, and this is a really strong maybe, but what if there's a planet out there that, like, has healing herbs or ointments or something?” 

 

“That's actually not a bad idea!” Hunk proclaimed, jumping on the bandwagon. “Maybe they don't know what human dandruff is, but something like molting? It could be a thing...”

 

“Ok, if there is one that can help, and Coran says it's one on our side… it's worth a shot.” Shiro agreed, as he opened the door to the control room. 

 

Inside, Pidge and Coran were indeed looking at the castle’s extensive database on all the planets in their vicinity. 

 

Off to the side, Keith was flicking through the same list, lazily scanning through each description. Hearing the door swoosh open, he walked over, smiling at Lance and Hunk in greeting, before turning to Shiro. “Hey, I was just about to go find you. Kolivan called, he wants to know if we can join him in this investigation he just picked up. He thinks we might find some valuable intel on Galran ship specs.”

 

“Uhh, sure, I guess we can do that,” Shiro stuttered out, shooting Lance and Hunk an uncertain glance when Keith started for the door. “Umm, right now? I was gonna do something first…”

 

“Oh, it’s ok, Shiro, you and Keith go. Lance, Pidge, and I were just gonna tour some planets anyway,” Hunk reassured him, moving closer to Pidge to take a look through the database himself. “Don’t worry, we’ll tell you if there’s anything really interesting.”

 

“Ok, if you guys are sure,” Shiro nodded, and made sure no one was looking to mouth a  _ thank you _ towards them before walking out. 

 

As Keith followed, Lance caught him by the wrist, spinning him around to face him. “Hey.”

 

“Hey.” Keith gave him a small smile, interlacing their fingers. “Don’t think I didn’t notice that you and Hunk are up to something.”

 

“What? Me? I would never!” Lance feigned offense, adopting a smirk at Keith’s unbelieving glare. “Ok, you got us. I’ll tell you about it later, promise. And  _ you _ can tell me about all this Blade stuff.”

 

“Yeah, sorry for the late notice…Guess we haven’t really talked in a while.”

 

“Ehh, we’ve been busy.” Lance gave Keith a slow kiss, before pulling him into a tight hug. “Be careful, ok?”

 

“You too,” Keith whispered back, breaking away to join Shiro. 

 

“Hey, Lance, look at this!” Hunk cried out, gesturing for him to look at the monitor. “I think we’ve found the perfect planet to visit.” He pointed at a peculiarly shaped sphere on the screen.

 

Coran peeked at his choice, enlarging its description. “Ahh, Magani! Number 5 and I were just talking about that one. Its inhabitants are very friendly, if not a bit slow to finish a thought. They’re known across this galaxy and the next as amazing herbalists! The planet is mostly forested, so there’s no shortage of flora for them to utilize.”

 

“Yeah, they look pretty cool too!” Pidge switched to a different page, zooming in on the alien race. “Kind of what you’d imagine reptilians to be like.” She spun around in her chair to look at her two best friends, both of whom seemed to be taking this information into great consideration. “Why do you guys want to visit this place anyway?” 

 

Hunk and Lance stopped discussing amongst themselves to gape at her. “Uhh, hello? Reptile people?!”

 

*****^^^*****

 

“Well, Hunk, you always said you wanted to see the Amazon.” Lance swatted a big leaf out of the way as they walked towards a shop fitted in a bright red tree trunk. Coran had dropped them off near a bustling metropolis area in the southern hemisphere and the two paladins honestly didn't know what to make of it. 

 

There were stores and stands set up throughout the entire jungle. Some were small and barely noticeable and others were built into the trees, sprawling across the treetops. 

 

“Man, why didn't Pidge come down with us? She would've loved this place!” Hunk cried, marveling at the engineering feat of the tree mall. 

 

“Doesn't she hate snakes?” Lance muttered through his teeth, awkwardly smiling at all the bipedal reptile citizens. They weren’t exactly the reptile people he had in mind, as most of them resembled giant cobras with a long tail in place of limbs, but there were a few scattered in the crowd that looked a lot more...frog-like. “And…like, scales, in general?”

 

Arriving in the red tree trunk, the shopkeeper slid up to them, offering up a dish of snacks that looked to be mainly made up of moss. “Oh!” Hunk exclaimed, pushing it away as politely as possible. “No, thank you. My friend and I are trying to find something specific, maybe you could help us?”

 

“Of coursssse. I know mosssst of the ssssellersss here. How can I help?” The shopkeeper set aside the dish, turning her undivided attention to her customers.

 

“We were wondering if you had something one might use for, I don’t know, really dry or oily skin?”

 

The shopkeeper flicked her tongue in and out of her mouth, giving the paladins a baffled expression. “We’re Maganisssian… we deal with that on a daily basssisss.”

 

“Oh, right!” Lance hit Hunk on the shoulder as he suddenly remembered who they were talking to. “Duh, they’re reptiles.” 

 

“I don’t know what that isss, but we all have different ointmentsss and remediesss for ssskin problemssss. They’re asss common assss…  _ sssskudra _ walking around in the foressst branchessss.” She chuckled at her own joke, sobering up when the paladins’ faces remained lost. “Ahh, touristssss. Anyway...” She led them up a spiraling ramp that led to a higher shelf in the tree and gestured at two clear jars. 

 

“Thisss one here,” she indicated the one on the right that had...something suspended in a viscous liquid, “issss made from thisss village elderssss’ venom and ssssaliva. The fang you ssssee there keepsss it potent… if you want to sssoothe a dry patch, thisss will make it ssseem like a sssmooth baby egg.”

 

“And what’s that… crunchy looking thing?” Hunk asked warily, pointing at the other jar.

 

“Once every few weeksss, sssome of our residentsss and marketersss sssshed their ssskinsss. When mixed with our ssssaliva in a certain combination, it reducesss oil sssubsstantially. Ssso which one are you interesssted in?”

 

“Yeah…” Lance looked between their two choices, biting at a fingernail. “We’ll take both.” 

 

******><><><******

 

“So is the problem that your head is too dry or that it has too much oil?” Lance asked, as he and Hunk stood outside of Shiro’s bathroom, waiting for him to finish applying the remedies. 

 

“I'm pretty sure it's too oily, but I'm just gonna use a little of both, in case I'm wrong,” Shiro shouted back. “I think all this Lotor stuff has really been stressing me out lately and that's why it's so bad… but thanks to you guys, my hair is one less thing I have to worry about.”

 

Lance and Hunk shared a fist bump, smiling brightly at each other. “Don't put too much of that stuff on though, Shiro! The snake lady said it's supposed to make it as smooth as a baby's butt or something like that.”

 

“Yeah, maybe less is more in this case? Just, you know, don't go bald!” Before Hunk could even finish that sentence, the door slid open and Shiro stepped out, toweling his hair dry. 

 

“Ok! So good news… weird news. Good news is my head doesn't itch anymore, so it's probably safe to say that my dandruff is mostly gone.” Shiro declared, giving his hair one last good shake with the towel. “Umm, here's the weird part.” He brought the towel down, fully revealing his predicament. 

 

In curing the flaking, the molting/venom mix had also somehow changed all of Shiro’s hair to pure white... Like a baby egg indeed. Lance and Hunk took a step back to take it all in. “It's not… a bad look.”

 

“Maybe it's temporary?” Lance squeaked out, not sounding the least bit confident. “Uhh... well, you know, maybe Allura will like it!” 

 

* * *

**3\. Keith**   
  


 

“So… can I… talk to you guys about something?” Keith stammered out, as he moved to sit between Shiro and Pidge, who were both currently enraptured by the dungeon game they were playing. 

 

“Yeah, what's up?” Shiro asked, pausing the game right as Pidge triggered the fight against the boss dragon. She clicked  _ resume _ almost instantly, pulling Shiro back in.

 

“Sorry, Keith, I can't really pause right now, we're so close to finally beating this level. But we're listening, promise!” Pidge assured him in the midst of all her button mashing. 

 

“That's ok, this isn't that serious.” Keith took a deep breath and cleared his throat before continuing. “So, last night, Lance was…or I was… well, I guess we were both… trying to-”

 

“Bone?” Pidge said bluntly, much to the shock of her playing partner.

 

“Pidge!” Shiro spluttered out, again pausing the game.

 

“What? I'm just trying to streamline the conversation. Eyes on the prize, Shiro!” Pidge unpaused, dealing the dragon critical damage. “Sorry, Keith, keep going.” 

 

“Uhh, yeah, basically… that's what we were doing. Uhh, I can’t believe I’m even saying this right now… But before we could get that far-”

 

“You couldn't get it up?” Pidge guessed, much to both boys’ embarrassment. At that moment, the dragon exploded, finally revealing the treasure and the end of the level. “YES!” Pidge whooped, before noticing the state of her company. Shiro was keeping eye contact with the ground, while Keith buried his face in his hands.

 

“Sorry! Sorry,” she apologized, putting the controller down to give Keith her full attention. “I'm done, continue.” 

 

“Uhh, no, that wasn't the problem… believe me.” Keith sighed again, looking between the two. “It’s not even a physical problem at all, I just can’t… because we’re in space and… neither of us have… protection.”

 

“Wait,” Shiro put a finger to his lips, trying to stifle a laugh. “Did you just come up here to see if either of us had a condom?” 

 

“....Nooo?”

 

“Keith, we’re  _ all  _ in space.” Pidge reminded him, gesturing around her to accentuate her point.

 

“I realize that!” Keith responded defensively. “I knew it was a long shot, but I don’t know what you guys were up to at the garrison, I just… I thought it wouldn’t hurt to ask. Well,” he exhaled, getting up to open the door, “thanks anyway.”

 

“Oh, hold on!” Pidge cried after him, pulling Shiro along. “Maybe we can still help.”

 

“Yeah, I mean, Lance found us solutions to our problems.” Shiro sidled up to Keith’s other side. “There’s gotta be some space equivalent out there that’ll solve yours.”

 

“Let’s see… Coran said there are six friendly planets within a reasonable radius of our location.” Shiro announced, swiping through the different sectors on the big screen. “There’s 3 of us… I figure we can each take two, see if there’s anything remotely similar to what you need.”

 

“Sounds like a plan!” Pidge nodded, briefly skimming through each name and description. “Ooh, I call those two!” She zoomed into a blue tinted planet and a half green, half brown one. “Takni and Xarac.” 

 

“What?” Keith protested. “You know I really appreciate your guys’ help and all, but why do you get the closest ones?” 

 

“First of all, I called dibs.” Pidge replied cheekily, a big grin on her face. “Second, Takni is apparently populated by extremely technologically advanced robot people, how could I let this opportunity pass me by? And Xarac looks like it’s split in half, so that’ll be fun.”

 

“Fine,” Keith relented, squinting at the screen to pick two of his own. “Then I’ll take that… vaguely bowl shaped one and the, uhh, crescent moon one.”

 

“Great, that leaves me with that tiny one and the… cubed one.” Shiro sent the information to their lions and Keith’s ship. “Keep in contact… And don’t break anything!” 

 

\o/              /o\               |o|                \o/                 /o\

 

Landing on his first planet, the odd bowl, Keith stepped out to lush green pastures and rolling hills, hidden by a light fog. 

 

Taking a deep breath, he scanned the landscape, trying to find any of the planets’ inhabitants. The castle’s census had recorded the populace as something that looked like big sentient plants, with small faces where their petals would part. 

 

Walking up a hill to get a better vantage point, he was met with more of the same beautiful view... and no sign of life. 

 

Keith sighed, disappointed as he walked back to his ship. Was the castle 10,000 years out of date? Sure, but he didn’t expect it to be a complete ghost town. 

 

As he climbed back onto his ship, movement from behind a rock caught his attention. “Hello?” Keith snuck up to the other side of the rock, peeking over it to see if whatever had popped up was still there. “Uhh, I come in peace?”

 

A small red plant stared back at him with comically huge eyes. It wasn't nearly as big as the castle had described, closer to the size of a dandelion. It reminded Keith of the little creatures from a game Lance used to play,  _ Pikon  _ or  _ Pikimin  _ or something like that. 

 

Keith crouched down, keeping his hands out in front of him to make sure it knew he meant no harm. As soon as he took one step closer, the alien scurried away, burrowing into a cave in the hillside. 

 

“No, wait! I just wanted to ask-” Keith paused, realizing how small the cave actually was. “I'm talking to a tiny plant.” He dusted himself off, got back into the driver’s seat, and flew off to the next planet. 

 

Meanwhile, over on Xarac, Pidge had encountered a similar situation. While the inhabitants of that planet were much bigger, about 6 feet tall, they were about as forthcoming as the little  _ Pikmin _ alien. 

 

When Pidge found out the planet was split in two geographically, the possibility of it also being split in terms of ideology/politically crossed her mind. She didn't think it would be quite like this, though. At the equator, which was, oddly enough, vertical, the planet’s right half was all green. Cropped grass, lots of trees, etc. Those living on that side, Pidge discovered, were huge anthropomorphic fungi. The left half was a desert, all sand and tumbleweeds, with giant cactus beings inhabiting the dunes. 

 

Neither side acknowledged her or each other. 

 

“Hi, I was wondering if you could help-” she asked after a smaller mushroom, who ignored her and continued talking gibberish to its companion. “Ok, rude!”

 

She walked over the equator and jumped in front of a stationary cactus. “Hi, I’m trying to find something for a friend of mine. I don’t know if you have anything like it here, something for… catching sperm… or pollen.” Pidge looked up at the cactus, who simply stared off into the distance. “Aaand I’m pretty much invisible here, aren’t I?”

 

She trudged back to her lion, yelling at the plant life, who blissfully went about their business. “I don’t know why I even bothered, you probably all reproduce asexually anyway.”

 

Once back in orbit, she sent a call off to Keith and Shiro. Keith popped up on her screen not 2 seconds later. “Hey, any luck?” 

 

“No... the castle really needs an update. The planet I just left is… a lot smaller than it thinks. I’m about to reach the crescent one now. How about you?”

 

“Same. Xarac was a bust, I may as well have been a dung beetle down there. I’ll be setting down on Takni soon.”

 

Shiro appeared on her screen just as they were about to sign off. “Hey-”

 

“Nope, Keith and I haven’t found anything.” Pidge interrupted, squinting at Shiro’s call screen. “And are you already back at the castle?”

 

“Yeah, neither of mine panned out. The aliens on that tiny planet apparently only experience sexual attraction during mating time, which, because they lay millions of eggs every cycle, comes around once every 2,000 years. And the people on the cubed planet have never had to deal with that because, and I quote,” Shiro rubbed at his temples, “‘a square peg does not fit into a circular hole.’” 

 

Keith and Pidge said nothing, continuing to fly in stunned silence.

 

“So I’ll see you guys back here in a little bit?” 

 

Ten minutes later, Shiro met Keith and Pidge as they arrived at the hangar. “Let me guess, no such luck.”

 

“Nothing. Takni’s full of robots that, unless Keith wants a cyber kinetic implant, are not going to be of any help. On the bright side,” Pidge pulled out a green light bulb from her pocket. “They did give me this bulb that they say is its own power source and is strong enough to light 30 connected bulbs for, like, 50 years.” 

 

“Well, thanks for your help anyway, guys.” Keith sighed, walking out into the hallway, the other two not far behind.

 

“You know, there are two people we haven't asked,” Shiro reminded him.

 

Keith stopped, considering this suggestion before shaking his head. “No… I don't want-. That's kind of an… awkward thing to ask about.”

 

“Yeah, I don't know about that, Shiro. They are 10,000 years behind with the times,” Pidge pointed out. “It'd be like asking your great grandparents for dating advice.” 

 

“Uhh, you're probably right.” Shiro clapped Keith on the back. “Sorry we couldn't help you out, bud.” 

 

“No, it's ok. Thanks for trying.” Keith smiled at them, before making his way down to Lance’s room. 

 

Opening the door, Keith was met with a shirtless Lance, toweling off his hair. 

 

“AHH! Keith!” Lance yelped, scrambling to cover himself up at the intrusion. “You could’ve knocked!”

 

“Oh, relax, it’s not like I haven’t seen it all before.” Keith smirked, hopping onto the edge of his bed. 

 

“I know,” Lance scoffed, tugging a shirt on. “But, one of these days, someone’s gonna be behind you and then we’ll all regret it. Anyway,” he threw the towel onto a rack and moved to sit with Keith. “How was the planetary travel? Coran said you, Pidge, and Shiro had a little secret expedition.”

 

“Ugh, don’t even get me started.” Keith huffed, falling backwards onto the bed. “I basically dragged them on a galactic adventure that turned out to be pointless. Apparently, no one on this side of the universe has ever considered the possibility of… I guess… alien STDs?”

 

“Ohhh, that’s what you were doing all day? Trying to track down some kind of cosmic condom for us?” Lance chuckled, following Keith’s lead to lie down next to him. 

 

“Yeah… didn’t work out. How about you? What have you been up to?” Keith asked, turning to face Lance. 

 

“Well, I tried to show Allura and Coran how to milk Kaltenecker… also didn’t work out, they kept running away. Uhh, Hunk and I figured out how to get in the pool!” He grinned smugly at Keith’s surprised reaction. “Yeah, there’s a lot of gravity manipulation involved! We should go later… if I can remember how to do it. Oh, yeah, and how could I forget?” Lance reached up to his jacket hanging on the bedpost, fishing something out of the pocket. He held it between two fingers, waving it in front of Keith.

 

“Wait, what?!” Keith exclaimed, snatching the clear package out of Lance’s hand. “You found a condom?”

 

“Yeah, I asked Hunk if he had one, Allura and Coran overheard, and after a really quick explanation, turns out they had something really similar on Altea.” Lance paused, adopting Allura’s accent. “‘We’re not cavemen, you know.’ I guess Coran had one in his back pocket when they went into cryostasis.”

 

“Wow, talk about being prepared.” Keith said incredulously, before realizing something. “Hold on, just one?”

 

Lance groaned, coming to the same conclusion. “Aww, man, I didn’t even think about that!” 

 

After a second of reconsidering, Keith pulled Lance into a kiss, rolling over onto his back. “Better make it last, then, lover boy.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> So you probably noticed there are only three paladin stories here... That's because I need help! I have no ideas for what Lance and Hunk could need and that's where you guys come in!
> 
> If you guys could make some suggestions to me on what you would like their things to be, that would help me IMMENSELY! Also tell me if you want me to keep it comedic or make it a little more angsty ;) 
> 
> The only things I could think of was Hunk needing an asthma inhaler and Lance needing some semblance of his family back because this would be the first year he missed the anniversary of... I don't know, his grandma's death? But, as you can see, those are much less comedic, and it just seems unfair to cause them this pain... unless you guys would prefer that? :D
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading! Please leave a suggestion and/or comments down below at your leisure!


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